Have you ever felt extremely head-over-heels, I'd die for you, I want to be with you forever type of in love with someone, but at the same time knew that they weren't right for you? It only gets more complicated when they seem to be head-over-heels, etc. type of in love with you back.

I think you're a great person, and I love you, but I just don't feel like I can fully be myself around you. I don't feel like I'm 100% comfortable or free to express myself without worrying that you'll judge me or that you'll think less of me and I can't have that because in my mind, you're the ultimate person. But if you're really that amazing and you care about me that much, why would you care what my opinions are? Wouldn't you love me regardless? I can't tell if I'm putting up a front in my mind and fabricating a facet of your personality that doesn't exist, or if you're actually as judgmental and human as I suspect you might be. The real problem is that we never originally communicated well in the first place. We never gained that foundation that most other couples have to base their judgments and decisions on. Even the few times that we tried to have a serious heart to heart discussion about important matters, it was all extremely inarticulate and stunted, because we just don't fucking know how to talk to each other. I honestly have absolutely no clue as to how you feel about numerous subjects that I find extremely important and/or relevant to my life, and I'm really not sure which subjects you even consider important in your own life. I just seriously don't know you that well and I seriously didn't realize it until now, even though we've been together for years. Part of me says that it's just because we're both extremely casual people and that nothing else matters as long as we enjoy each other's company, but another part of me feels that this is extremely unhealthy and is becoming more and more uncomfortable being with you simply because of my own insecurities in this relationship which may or may not have to do with something that actually exists in you. It's definitely there, and it's definitely real, I just don't know whether it's coming from you, or if I'm projecting it there. I guess I just feel like this relationship is about 99% physical and the other 1% is us watching TV together, and I don't know if that's really how I want to spend the rest of my life. I have no doubt that I want you to be there, but I feel like I just need either so much more from you or nothing at all, that whatever this is that you're giving me right now is a knock-off of what I actually wanted, and I have no idea how to fully explain any of this to you. It's a catch 22 at its finest: how can you resolve this issue if you can't talk about it, but the issue itself is not being able to talk about issues. Oy gevalt. Just what the fuck am I doing here. Please tell me.

I was looking through pictures from Christmas break that a friend put up and I just look so god damn fat. It's ridiculous. I have lost 10 pounds since then, but I just feel overweight looking at myself from less than a month ago. Ugh.

I feel like I've made so much progress already, but looking at these pictures just completely took it all out of perspective for me, and made me feel like I was back at the beginning again. I can feel those flabby spots that are still there, and the pouch of a stomach that I still have, and it reminds me of how much more of this journey I have left to go ... and it's fucking depressing.

I am going to keep trying, though. I'm not going to let this get to me, at least not in a negative way. If I let this affect me at all, it will be to fuel my desire to keep on pushing through. Let's see ... I was 180 when I started. Right now I'm wavering between 161-164, and my goal for now is 130. I've still got about 35 pounds left to go, maybe more. I'm almost halfway to my goal, though, and that's something to celebrate!!!

For me, this journey isn't even so much about being skinny, it's about feeling healthy and strong and confident. If I look at pictures of me at parties and things, and I see how fat I am, it makes me want to cry, really, because I remember the feelings of self doubt and self consciousness that I felt (and still feel) when those pictures were taken. Also, I can honestly tell by the day the picture was taken what kind of sweets I ate that day. That's just sad, and not healthy at all. I need to be able to happily make good choices for myself, instead of letting food become an emotional crutch and instead of letting me eat myself into a black hole of no return. I'm better than that. I deserve better.

Taking the first step.

I've decided to finally actually start showing my transness, or my manliness, in the physical sense. I've felt this way for a long time, but I've always been very self conscious and insecure about the way I feel about my body. I have decided to let my armpit hair grow out. At this point in my life, and in this hair obsessed culture I live in, I feel like that's the ultimate defiance I can make right now. Even if no one sees it, I know it's there, and it helps.

I love being the birthday boy. It's awesome.

I hate getting older though.

I turned 20 today. That's not really old at all, but now I'll never be an adolescent again, never be a teenager again, never be considered a kid again by anyone but myself. But as long as I don't let that little adventurous bastard in my heart die, it doesn't even matter.

Just did 15 minutes on my new elliptical and woah am I sweaty. I feel so out of shape. Ha.

I'm going to keep doing this almost every day though, so I should be able to go for longer after a little while.

As soon as I'm done with this post I'm going to go and take a shower and then make myself some eggs and toast and then go to work. I really don't want to go to work today. We've got a new kid starting today named Devin, and I'm supposed to start training him on the cash register. I don't know why, but I really don't like training other people, but that's the only way I can really get a raise at my job, so it's what I'm going to have to do.

I'm going to work til 3, and then come home and work on some homework, and then I have to be back up there at 5 for a second shift. This is pretty much how my last two weeks have been, besides the days that I have school. I'm finally getting a legitimate day off next Saturday though. I am so looking forward to it. Mostly because I'll get to sleep in for once, and then I can just lounge around all day. I'm going to try very hard this week to get all of my homework and chores caught up before Saturday so that I can truly have a free day with absolutely no responsibilities. That would be lovely.